One of my favorite bloggers ABM wrote about the challenges with Mother’s Day and I had to agree with most of what she said. Now I have been a Mom for 12 years now, and just like the tides of the ocean, waves of emotion come through our home.
When I first became a foster Mom for M1 and M2 I remember my own mother telling me how I was “not really a mother”. It hurt when she said that but now I actually get what she implied and unfortunately it still rings true. M1 and N have a clear memory of their first Mom. They have good and bad memories and guess what they all come pouring out this time.
M1 is in rare form and spends the days up to MOther’s day getting in trouble and stealing food. She was suspended for two days this past week and stole almost a half gallon of ice cream. When I mentioned to her I am upset she just didn’t ask for some ice cream if she wanted it she got sullen….yep….same old same old.
N got in trouble three times this week. She raged for two days and lied like it was her job. When she asked me if she can call her Mom and I said no the world ended and curses poured forth. Yeah sorry but I sent her your Communion picture and three weeks later all she gave me was a thumbs up graphic in response. Sorry she doesn’t want to talk to you. Breathe and back away, she can work this out.
New this year though is M2 melting down. She literally called me a tons of obscene names and stormed out of the house. Threatened me, tried to hit me and was down right butt ugly. Yikes I can’t even blame it on “lady issues” that was last week. Finally when she had raged herself out she collapsed into my lap. She was so upset she was shaking as she begged to know why she didn’t come home to her real family and went right into foster care….umm you were abandoned…no NEVER say that outloud. I tried to soften the blows, Mommy S loves you but could not take care of you. She did the best she could but it was too hard for her. Yeah nothing really helps as the deep sobs rack her body. In her rage she ripped her Mom’s picture up and now of course she regrets it. After about an hour of sobbing I put her into bed and she went right to sleep.
So I look at the flowers my parents sent me, see aren’t they beautiful? I make myself my favorite meal and will spend tomorrow trying not to be sad that the kids struggle as hard as they do. I will keep all comments to a minimum so I can prevent outbursts and screaming. I will walk on eggshells and feel momentarily bad that Hallmark doesn’t make cards for Mom’s like me. Don’t get me wrong I love them to death and would move the world for them. But I am not the only Mom in their lives and they all know it. I share the day with a woman who I do not really know all that well and whose gigantic loss is why I can celebrate this day. I have two hand picked bouquets from M2 and N and that is all the celebrating we will be doing this year.
So S and J, Happy Mother’s day. Your kids are doing well and I hope when you get my pictures of them tomorrow they fill you with happiness instead of sorrow. Thank you for letting me raise them all as my own and while I will never ever replace you, know I am doing my all time best to mother them just the same.
To all my Mom readers, I wish you joy on this day however it comes for you.