Sometimes I just get so tired that even sleep won’t help. Right now I just want to yell and scream. I want to be aggressive to my oldest but instead I sit here and warn her to not speak another word to me today. What happened you ask…..well she again stole from me.
Yesterday M2 wanted to spend time with me at work. While she is 12 there are times she just needs Mommy time so she came with me to my half day. She was excellent and played with my tablet and then helped me distribute folders at the orientation. When we came home, she put my tablet on the table to charge. We did a bunch of things with N’s worker, had dinner, watched movies and then M1 went to bed.
This morning I notice my tablet is gone. I ask M2 if she has it and she denies it. I ask again and she denies it again. Suddenly M2 goes on a rampage screaming at me what a b** I am, how I am abusing children and how (because I said we are not leaving till I had my tablet) she is calling the police. Egad this gets freaking old, just shut your mouth I think to myself. I go downstairs to ask the other two if they have seen it or borrowed it without asking. N says nothing and M1 starts to point out how guilty M2 is of taking the tablet to use. Well yes she does and when I ask she admits and produces it. I reminded M1 that the last time my electronic device went missing it was her who took it and was kind enough to use it in such a way that the police now own it. She then looked at me and said quite smugly “I learned my lesson. You aren’t going to find it in my room.”
Are anyone else’s Mom senses tingling here? I knew almost at once that she had dumped it in someone else’s room, most likely N because she is right next door. Sure enough search the room and there is my tablet. N bursts into tears and said “I didn’t steal it. I swear to God I didn’t steal it!!!” I am so enraged I just go upstairs, I am not sure if she is telling the truth or not but my instincts tell me she is. I open the tablet and look at the history…..sure enough M1 took my tablet last night and was using to message her friends on Facebook.
OK I am so angry I don’t even have words. I want to yell, scream and yes even be violent I am so angry. I walk outside and take a few deep breaths, violence does not help, you don’t really want to hurt your kids, you are very angry and are looking for a way to express it. I pick up several sticks and toss them as hard as I can down the hill at my house. After several minutes I calm down and go inside. M1 is coming up the stairs.
I say to her “Look here is proof you had the tablet. It is your Facebook log in, your friends names and proof that you talked to them last night. See here is your name, here are their names.” She starts cursing at me and telling me this was BS, she never did it and N was trying to set up a Facebook account. I point out that it is all messenger hits, all her friends and her name and she screams more obscenities at me. I can’t I need to walk away. I am so full of rage tears stream out of my eyes. I take the dog and go outside to throw more sticks.
No where near calm I have to go to work. I tell them to get in the car and that I do not wish to be spoken to for the entire ride unless someone is in danger or bleeding. I choke back the rage as I seeth over yet again being violated by my child. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know anymore nothing is working and most of the time I want to kick her out of the house. I know I can’t, I know I am just angry, I know don’t make any decisions until I am calm for at least an hour. I am so tired of being hurt by her and seeing that to her I am really nothing of worth because of how she treats me. I say nothing I can’t I have no kind words to say. The drive to camp and the sitters is silent.
Day passes and I am calmer, memo to me put a password on it so she can’t get in. Figure out a plan for the night so you don’t lose your sh** and get everyone upset again. Control your emotions, control your anger, set an example. I leave to get N for counseling and she and M2 come out to the car. I hear wrappers in the back and asks if she bought candy. N said yes she did. I ask what did I say about buying candy. She replied don’t buy anymore. Why did I say that? Because I spent 16 dollars on candy already this week (Grandma sent money for Easter). Just like a light switch she goes off.
She screams and yells obscenities at me. Accuses me of stealing her money. Accuses me of trying to control her. Screams she can do what she wants with her money. Claims I told everyone that she took my tablet. We are in the car and now I am scared. If she loses her stuff I am on a bridge on the highway, I cannot pull over. I tell her we are not speaking anymore. She is to calm herself down and focus on taking a few deep breaths, N screams at me some more about what an awful piece of sh** I am. I repeat stop take some deep breaths do not talk to me. Rage spills out for about 30 more seconds but the kicking of my seat has stopped. Phew.
When she is calm I say to her quietly
- Did I not ask ALL of you if you had my tablet?(yes) OK then I was NOT blaming you I was asking everyone in the house who had it. I at no point said N you have it did I? (no)
- When I found my tablet was it in your room (yes), your closet (yes) , your bookbag (yes)? So for that exact second did I know how it got there (no). OK so what did I do then? (you went upstairs then outside for awhile). Again did I say you did anything wrong? (no)
- When you all came up the stairs who did I talk to? (M1) Who did I say had the tablet?(M1). At any point did I say you had a part of it? (No but you said that I didn’t want a Facebook account and I do) Umm no what I said was that last night when my tablet was taken you did not set up an account because M1 had logged in and was talking to her friends. I never said you didn’t want an account I said you didn’t create one last night, did you? (no) OK see M1 was trying to blame you for something you didn’t do and I stood up for you.
- Why did I say no more candy? (cus I eat to much and its not good for me) Did I ever say I was going to take it and spend it?(no) What I said was we need to keep it in the lock box because you clearly had a hard time not buying junk food when you had money. Do you understand what I am saying? (yes that I don’t listen and spend all my money on junk food).
She remains calm and I thank her for listening and taking some deep breaths and not escalating herself to violence. I tell her I appreciate that she calmed herself down and was now talking instead of screaming at me. I say nothing more I am spent. We get to the counselors and she is all peaches and cream like nothing ever happened. OMG really?!?!?!
Counseling ends and we got to get M1, she brushes past me and then darts to the car. No worries kid I have no desire to talk to you either. We ride home in silence as it is just not worth getting myself all worked up about. I send them all to their rooms and tell them I am disgusted with all of them. I make dinner and we eat in silence. I have nothing more to say to any of them and oh yeah as I mentioned I am done.
I so want to tap out now….anyone want to take a round for me??????