M1 was at a sleep over on Friday and while it made me happy she had a friend the fact she comes home stinking to high heaven of cigarette smoke, well a real downside. She refuses my emails about a pick up time so I go and get her. She is sullen and silent in the car. I say nothing because I too am sullen and angry to……yay not a good combo.
We get home and she shoves past me and dives into her room. Hmmm weird wonder what she is hiding now. Sigh…thank goodness she sends me big old flares when she is doing something wrong or this would be so much harder. I try to see what is doing on and she gets aggravated that I am “in her business” ummm yay I am your Mom kind of my job. All right well we all know this behavior means something but what who knows.
I come home today and do a room search. I find my mostly empty bottle of vodka, wondered where that went and an e-cigarette complete with nicotine. I want to yell, scream holler shout and let all the anger, rage, frustration blah blah overspill. OK I know it won’t work I have tried talking, yelling and lecturing nothing works so I take a moment and breathe. I sit and write her a note. I let her know she is better than this. I thought she had higher expectations of herself. She could do so much more with her potential. I leave it with the empty bottle on her bed pick her up and say not a word.
She gets home and about 20 minutes later literally throws the note at me and screams “Really maybe you should f***ing talk to me before you assume that the vape stuff is mine. I am holding it for a friend. Maybe you should talk to me!!!!” I bite my tongue hard, I did talk to her, I had asked her about it two weeks ago and she denied up and down she had it so no I am not going to ask again. Egad it is hard to hold my tongue I want to engage and scream..no mustn’t fall into old patterns. I hold my breath instead as she storms away. My brain is screaming “What about the alcohol idiot!!!” but no not a word from my lips.
I go to the kitchen after a bit to make a cup of tea and as I stand there she storms up the stairs. “Well do you want to talk about it?” WOW all that attitude pouring from your scrawny body doesn’t really make me feel like you want to talk. Ummm nope is what I am thinking. I said quietly “Well you are free to say your peace.” I tell her hang on let me turn the radio down so I can hear her properly and then if she chooses to speak she may. I turn the radio down and she is off on a rip
“OK the e-cigarette isn’t mine. I was holding it for a friend and I know you don’t believe me so whatever I am telling the truth. Yeah I know you don’t believe me but I am telling the truth. I am”
My brain screams “thou dost protest too much” but I keep my face neutral and say out loud. “OK I hear you when you say it is not yours and that you were holding it for a friend. OK I hear you.” Imediately she starts gunning again “Yeah well I know you don’t believe me, I know you don’t believe me, I know you don’t believe me.” I say nothing. She then says “Oh and I took that bottle of vodka years ago.” Umm no I have searched your room regularly and no you did not but again I say “OK if that is what you are saying.” Again with the baiting but I say nothing to her. Finally she starts yelling “OK this is b**sh**” I ask why she feels this way as I have said nothing to her and was just hearing her out. She acknowledges that I have said nothing one way or another but that she needs space. So I look at her and say in my most combative voice “Oh YOU need space? Is that what YOU need?” She yells back “Yes this is BS”. I smile and say quietly “OK I will go in the other room so you have your space. No one made you come up here. No one made you tell your side of the story. No one is arguing with you but if you need space there you have it.” and I walked into the other room. She stormed downstairs and was yelling about how much BS this was.
Hardest part…not engaging. Sigh I know I wanted to so badly. I wanted to yell and scream and shout my frustration but I did not. I wrote it out and said my peace. I have nothing more to say that is not arguing. Now will this work, who knows I sure as heck don’t but lets give it a whirl. She is downstairs now and I have not yelled all day, raised my own blood pressure or gotten so frustrated I wanted to quit.
Good job team Mom!!!!