It has been just over two months now that N has lived with us. In her world this is a record. The longest placement was three so we still have a month to go but no worries we are heading in that direction. Parenting N is hard though and today fortunately one of the workers came to my house to help me deal with the rages that N flies into. No not physical no worries mostly screaming and threatening.
Yesterday N was supposed to level up at school. She did not so in turn holy hell broke lose in my home. She raged screamed and yelled at me. Threatened the TA and was all sorts of nasty. I gave her space because it was clear she was not listening. Emailed the teacher turns out it was his mistake not the TA and he ended up apologizing and explaining to N. So you would think all is well right?!?! Well yeah you would think that…..
When I pick her up I mentioned to her that I talked to the teacher and that she was on level 3. I also mentioned that it was nice the teacher apologized for his mistake and that none of the things N was threatening the night before came to pass. Well holy sweet mother of the apocolypse did it all break lose then. She started screaming and threatening me in the car. She was screaming about the TA and she was raging about how on Thursday (her permenancy hearing) “you just wait and see what I tell them about you”
I get tired of this crap did I mention that? Yes of course I know it is to be expected but I get tired of empty threats, threats to my safety and in general her raging. As any parent of a dysregulated child will attest, it just gets tiring. I say not much because frankly I did not want it to escalate as I was driving. I know all the “reasons” why this could be happening but sometimes the voice in my head screams “Fine have it your way back to the institution with you” No I do not really feel that way, oh wait yes sometimes I do, but no I would NEVER act on that thought or even say it out loud. Yikes I have a good case of human don’t I???
So we talk her down off the edge and again it comes up she does not want to be adopted because if she goes back to her other agency then she can go home to her birth family. Again I have to remind her going home is not going to be a plan no matter where she is. She screams that at 21 she can and I won’t stop her. I feel for her now I really do so I say nothing. I know this is hard and well honestly resent I am the one who has to keep giving her this message. But I do because I must and I see the pain in her face so it helps me to keep my tones soft and gentle even though inside I am angry.
This is the part no one talks about in adoption. The angry and hurtful part where you struggle with the real emotions and the real pain. She hurts more but I hurt too. I am glad we have counseling tomorrow for sure. I am glad she feels safe enough to unload on me. I hope with time it gets easier. We have two months done and in one month I can file the adoption paperwork in court. So until that time…..
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. What do we do we swim, swim swim.”- Dory