Faking it poorly

On Saturday was the banquet for Tae Kwon Do. I sat at a table with five 17 year olds, a Dad and my BFF. It was tough for me as I suffer from social anxiety. Yep not kidding, ever want to see me stutter and sweat like I was just working out at Tae Kwon Do, tell my I have to go somewhere and socialize with people. OK so not the best start but then put me with the teens.

Now don’t get me wrong all the teens there were sweet. They know me and four of them are black belts so we often have classes together. Did I mention three also are in school with M1? They drove themselves there, they were there without parents (well one had his Dad). Then the questions start “Umm ANYM what is wrong with M1? She is not like other kids?” God bless them they did not mean to make me feel so awful but when I had a night to myself I am having to explain why my kids are different. They did not mean to be rude or disrespectful in anyway they were curious and how the heck do I answer? I gave vague explanations that social skills are learned young and that some kids don’t have that exposure so they have to learn it later. They asked why she is not friends with me on Facebook…umm she hates me (no didn’t say that outloud). I wanted to cry. I ended up leaving early I could not face them any more, it was beyond way to much.

I don’t say  much to my BFF. She was having fun and I am not sure how much is real and how much is my social paranoia going nuts. I let her know I need to go and she asks no questions, she does understand how stressful being out is. Did she figure out how awful I feel having to explain my kids, probably not I am a world class bluffer. I get into my van and sob the whole way home.

Yesterday I saw my therapist. I told her what happened and burst into tears. I told her how sad I felt that the normal I saw at my table would NEVER be normal for me. None of my kids would ever be able to be out be out on their own without supervision. I explained the shame and guilt I felt that my kids still needed to be explained because I had not done enough. No I had no idea what enough would have been but obviously, to me, I failed because they were not them. Yes I know…hence why I am in therapy.

The look on my counselors face was appalled and shocked at the same time. She asked me how on earth I could feel this way and I was confused. She told me it was “my fault” the kids made as much progress as they did and that the fact I could not accept that was more me than real. She said she was not surprised the loss popped up again because face it when do I ever have experiences outside my home and see how other same aged kids act? I knew she was right but still it hurt and I was sad.

I wish it did not hurt and no I am not sorry that I have them, I am only sad at the loss. I wonder if it will ever get better with time. I wonder if it will stop hurting.

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