I have been thinking a lot since last night and my last post but finally I came to realize that I need to get it off my chest and actually address the real monster in the room which is heroin.
I am not going to get on a soapbox. My brother was addicted to crack/cocaine in the 90s and when I told my parents I was kicked out of the house and chastised. Yes eventually they came around but only after he ended up arrested and thrown in jail. So no I do not understand addiction, I can logic through it and connect emotions. I get what it is like to try to help someone with a problem but no there is a gap I acknowledge.
The Little’s mom is addicted to heroin and has been for over 10 years. I know this because when I was a foster parent trainer her mother came through the program to gain custody of her granddaughter. Yes Little Man and Little Bit have an older sister. She got custody of Not So Little and she has lived with her ever since. I see Not So Little regularly and she knows me and vice versa. Then there was last night and I realized how bad addiction can really be.
When I talked to her brother he was angry. He was tired of picking up after her, tired of being lied to and just tired. He is in his twenties and most of his life has been lived around the debacle of addiction because oh yes his father is in recovery too. He is tired of the drama his sister creates and the chaos she brings to his house. He loves his niece and nephew but never signed up to be a primary caregiver.
J’s father looked so tired and sad when I saw him today. He looked like the world had caved in on him and he was helpless to do anything. He is not sure he will be able to maintain the kids and his sobriety. He teared up as he told me that J is in and out of the hospital but has not committed to sobriety yet.
Little Bit is now as scarred as her brother. She was crying in the car today and refusing to go home. She watched her grandfather literally pick up her mother who was hallucination and screaming and kicking as she was dragged to the car. How do you explain that to a four year old. We stopped for gas and she starts whimpering, I look back and ask if she is all right, she says no but there is NOTHING I can do but cuddle her to help her deal with all the big feelings.
Little Man is angry, angry and angry. This is the fourth time for him the Mom went to detox and he does not really understand how she “keeps getting sick”. Today he talked to me about killing people and jail time. Hmmm gonna guess it is anger. We talked for awhile and then he hugged me again. What words does he have for this monster in front of him?
I read it in the paper, I am certified for administering NARCAN but now it is real. I mean this family is right in my circle. I know J and her family those stats include people just like her.I want to scream and yell. I want to condemn her and her choices but I cannot. I do not know what got her here and I don’t know that given the same issue I would make different choices, I mean come on my grandfathers died from alcoholism and my brother did drugs for years. I am not better I cannot judge, I need to move through the emotions and focus on the real victims here.