When Real is Scary

It has been a chaotic week to say the least. M1 got her grades back and she failed three courses. She wants me to pay $300 so she can take 2 this summer and I refused. She had the chance in school and did not do it, nope not spending any more money to have you choose to fail. She grumbled and complained but agreed she could not be sure she would actually do any better sooo the courses will be taken next year.

M2 had a doctor appointment today. She had to go for a CT scan because she lost a HUGE amount of hearing in one ear with no explanation. Everything came out clear and it looks good. Well that is not really good news, there is no explanation for why it happened and no way to know what the long term prognosis will be. Sigh……hearing tests every 6 months now to keep on top of it.

OK got this….ummm no I don’t. Next week I also have to have surgery. Originally I was told that the surgery could wait, they did a CT scan and said no such luck. Yes it is major surgery, they are going to have to fuse the rest of my neck. Yes the rest, some of it is already fused. The recovery is long and this time I have kids…sigh…sometimes life stinks. Good news is that my family actually stepped up. My mother actually said she would take the girls next week as they don’t have camp and I will be in the hospital. She asked me if I wanted to come home and I politely declined. I don’t feel safe  at their house, yes my parents are good people it was a bunch of other crap that happened.

OK OK I start to plan, yep the one thing I am good at. My BFF called me “Hey ANYM, how long until you are cleared?” Well who knows it is week 7 of the 8.5 weeks they have to answer and there is no guarantee I will be cleared. Wait a minute why are you asking?

“OK the director of the camp Little Man goes to called me today and asked who you are. I told him you were my BFF and asked why. He asked what my relationship was with Little Man and I told him you were his previous foster parent. He then asked me if their mom was on anything and I was vague, why were you asking? He then told her that the last time Mom showed up she was ‘messed up’ and he was not going to let her take Little Man until she called someone. He wanted to know if he could call you the next time as you are on the list for pick ups? I told him heck yes!!”

Well I am not sure of the levels of scared but….impending surgery….no clearance….chance kids could come back into care…..yeah I would guess on a 10 point scale I am at a 15. I want to throw up, I want to cry I am scared and there is nothing I can do because literally for the next few weeks I cannot care for anyone

I know breathe, let go and let God. OK OK I am a control freak and don’t want to let go…OK pray that is what I can do, even if I cannot talk out loud for a few weeks I can pray silently for guidance and clearance.

Please keep the kids safe and out of harms way. Please don’t let anything happen to them.

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