No nothing was solved today. Nothing was decided and I did not testify, we ran out of time. I sit here quietly now emotionally and physically exhausted. The pounding headache my testament from keeping my rage bottled up inside. I had no idea how angry I truly was until the CPS worker opened her mouth to testify.
I said nothing. I stared at my blue folder with my hands clenched together as if they would fall off should they be separated. I practiced deep breaths and reminded myself that any show from me would not help me. I sat silently and listened. I never once looked up. Never once even glanced at her once she entered the room. I sat silently and prayed, prayed for patience and to calm the hatred in my soul which I know will not get me anywhere. My hands were white my face was red and silently I sat.
She brought all the raw emotions out again as she rehashed the investigation from the start. The blatant inaccuracies, the assumptions she made, the incorrect timelines she spewed. Yes at one point she even gave completely incorrect information. Her attorney walked her through all of it and then rested, he had nothing more to say.
My attorney questioned the worker, pointed out inconsistency and inaccuracies and her general lack of information. She didn’t ask many questions but all were aimed at discrediting parts of her testimony. The judge also questioned. I tried to stay focused but the rage was so hard to contain I was not sure how long I could last, I looked at the clock, it had only been 45 minutes.
We took a break and I went to see my BFF. I was shaking and speechless when I got to her. She talked to me calmly, reminded me to breath, reminded me of N and reminded me most of all to keep my mouth shut. I splashed water on my face and stared out the doors for a moment then we went back in.
The next witness was M1’s therapist of 10 years. She testified that M1 was often inaccurate in relaying information, that she used words and phrases incorrectly and that she often would tell people in authority what she thought they would want to hear and no it did not mean it was the truth. She testified that M1 was not a risk to younger children and that the only concern she had was M1 hooking up with older guys and acting out sexually with them. It was easier to breath when she was there but still the rage simmered.
When she was done we had to adjourn, there was only a half an hour left to testify and that would not be enough time to cross examine me. So we set another date and then I will testify. I have one month to sit with these feelings, one month more at least of waiting. My attorney reminded me that even after I testify there will be no decision. There is a waiting period for a written decision to be made and so the nightmare continues for another month at least.
When the judge and the CPS attorney left my attorney looked at me and said “You are enraged and sick to your stomach aren’t you?” I just nodded. She pat me on the arm and said “Well it went well and you did good. I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you.” I looked at her confused I mean they painted me to be a monster and M1 not much different how could this possibly be good? She said “The judge had questions. The judge questioned the assumptions she made, that is always good there is a seed of doubt.”
She prepped me for when I would testify and had me clarify the inaccuracies and assumptions CPS made. She talked to me for 30 minutes then told me to go home and get a drink. I walked out and my attorney said to my BFF “I am glad you are here she needs to go home and try to relax this has been arduous for her to say the least.” She smiled and added “Oh and she might want a drink so make sure she isn’t driving.” We both smiled, no I don’t drink and then my BFF took me home.
I have to take medicine for the headache and I could watch a silly movie. I have to calm down and again pray for strength to remove the hatred in my heart because I know it will not help anyone. Its over and I should not have to see her again. I need to forgive and move on if I want to get past this…..yep no where near there right now.