It’s 4am

Yes that is what time it is and no I am not asleep. M1 has been off all week and I knew it was because she had gotten yet another cell phone and had it in her room. I am tired of this so very tired. She knows she can’t have one she gets them anyway and then I have to find them and take them away which leads to tons of ugliness.

I go through the messages and I see that she has been texting her 18 year old boyfriend, I see that she has drank my wine cooler and that of course she sent him naked pictures at his request. I am tired to the bone, so very tired of this and yet cannot seem to stop it. In a fit of rage I brought the photos too her and confronted her. She stared at me coldly and said “I f***ing hate you and am not talking” OK I lost it because I am not a great parent and I said to her “You need to give me a damn good reason why I should not charge your boyfriend with possession of child pornography” Yeah if she could have legally killed me she would have 5 hours ago.

I stormed out of her room madder than hell from a fight that is so tiring I can’t even put it to words. She is 15 and has to have a babysitter, cannot have electronic devices and almost no freedom because when she does get it she does stupid crap later like threaten suicide. The tears stream down my face because all this parenting sucks it just sucks and there is no end in sight. The rage inside me burns like a fire and I sit because if I go in their again I know it will not be pretty. Suddenly M1 flies out of her room in a rage screaming “I want to go live in a group home!!! I can’t deal with this sh*** anymore!!”

I say nothing because this is her typical drama. I compose myself and she continues to demand that I send her to a group home so she doesn’t have to deal with me or her sister anymore. After about 3 minutes of her storming I tell her to sit down. I remind her that she is the cause of her problems. If she did not engage in illegal activities she could have an electronic device. If she did not constantly threaten suicide she could have more freedom. I remind her that no matter where she is her life will be exactly the same because SHE is the problem not me. I am merely reacting to the unsafe situations she continues to put herself in. I also remind her that with her propensity for drama and revenge she would regularly get her butt kicked if she had to live with other troubled girls.

OK I can see she is fuming and as much as I want her to be mad because I am mad this is not going to work. I ask her why if she likes revenge so much is she  upset that I would be getting revenge on her. I point out all the long list of crud she has done and asked if according to her rules I had the right to get revenge on her. She looked at me sullenly and said “Yes but you have never gotten revenge on anyone.” Well now I have not because in the end I don’t like the way it makes me feel so yeah I don’t do that but that does not mean I could not do it. She stares at me icily as I explain right now I am so tired of this crap and so mad at her for cheapening herself and her body that if it was the only way to get through to her I would do it because nothing so far has worked.The I saw it for a split second, fear.

I softened my tone immediately and said to her “Look I get it, you are mad I have the phone, you are pissed I read all the messages, you are scared I will get your boyfriend arrested. You are desperate to have a boyfriend because deep down you are convinced that no one will ever stay with you so you are doing whatever the hell you can to keep him. I get it but this can’t keep happening.”

M1 started full body sobbing in the chair so I pulled one over to her and took her hand. I begged her to talk to me and tell my what the heck is  going on that is driving this insanity into our home. She sobbed quietly for several minutes then said to me “I guess I never got over what happened to me and I figure that everyone will just leave me because……” and her voice trailed off. I finished the sentence for her “because your Mom did and then she did not stand by you when you told her about the abuse so no one is safe to trust.” She nodded and continued “I just think everyone will leave me.” So I replied “Right so you are pushing me away because if you dump me it will be easier than if I dump you.” The crying renewed even more.

I stroked her hair and said nothing. Life it hard at 15 it is harder when you are desperate to be loved and yet terrified to be loved. When her crying stopped I kissed her head and told her she could go to bed. She gave me a hug and went off.

And now it is 4am and here I sit. I feel like a failure on every front and that I am useless parenting M1. I guess on one level I know I am not as she has made great progress but on so many fronts…well my confidence is shot. Parenting is hard, there is no manual for the crap I am mostly winging. I pray I gave the right response and fear I did not because of my emotions

It’s 4am and I am too tired to sleep. Too scared for my child and tormented by her demons that I cannot chase away.

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7 thoughts on “It’s 4am

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  1. That was some damn good parenting there; the fact that she admitted her fears is a big deal. You *are* a good mom, you are. You know (and have taught me along the way) that this path is hard, hella hard, and you’re doing fine, great, marvelous. The days are rough sometimes, but you are a good mom. It was a bad evening. We have them. <> You got this. xoxo

  2. Wow, M1 admitting her fears is a huge deal! I feel so bad for her and her demons. Like her I threaten suicide at the drop of a hat when I encounter conflict. Has she been evaluated for borderline personality disorder? She will not be able to get the official diagnosis until she is 18, but it might be worth seeing if there is a DBT program that accepts teens?

      1. I have Borderline Personality Disorder stemming from emotional abuse by my mom. If you ever want to talk about bpd or about my experiences with DBT, just let me know.

  3. Sounds like some pretty damn good parenting to me. You are dealing with some really hard stuff, and hanging in there with love even when you want to kill her. You are doing great, mom.

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