Curbing my anger

OK I know I have to be a better person. I have to move on and try to forgive M1 but for this moment I am soooo dang aggravated I could scream. It is not all her though in her defense but still here is how today played out….

I see the orthopedic surgeon this afternoon and he says “What happened to your wrist?” I am confused and clarify that the pain radiates to my wrist but it originates in my neck. I explain it radiates down my arm and down my back and he gets a confused look on his face. He looks at the PT order and yes it does say cervical. He asks me how I know it is my  neck and not something else. I swallow my pride and rage, it is my freaking body that is how I know. But instead I say politely “Well I have been through this before and my neck is currently fused from C5-C7.”

The ortho surgeon’s jaw dropped open and he stammered. No he was not going to touch this, he wanted nothing to do with this surgery. Who had I seen before they can take care of it. Well you know it has been 15 years who knows if she is still around. Well it turns out she is and he immediately states that he will set me up with her and not do anything with me right now. I was so very angry, why in the heck did I waste my time and my co-pay for not a dang thing. The doctor apologized and said that he was sorry but would only prescribe narcotics for pain management until 3 weeks when I can see the original surgeon. No I have a huge family predisposition to addiction, the very last thing I want is a narcotic. He explains that the most likely scenario is that C4 and C8 in my spine have probably deteriorated as this was a common occurrence for people with similar surgery.

I come home and look on the shelf and see that the BBQ chips Little Bit left were gone. Well I know where they are so I go into M1’s room and of course find them hidden inside a bag. I search the rest of her room and find my cell phone charger for the car, my wrapping paper, empty boxes of cookies she had stolen, wrappers from fruit snacks she had stolen earlier last month. I look in her closet and sure enough no she had not cleaned her room as I had asked she merely threw everything in the closet and shut the door.

Furious I take a break and go to my computer. The Art Studio teacher confirmed my suspicions, no M1 had not turned in the paper like she said she had. Hmmm well we all know why she is failing every subject now don’t we. Soon after the Global studies sends me an email, no she did not hand in her homework like she had told me she did. OK well a ton of un Christian words went through my  head but I will spare you all of them. I sent a mass email to all the teachers saying basically “Look my  kid is failing through no fault of yours. Please do not take pity and pass her, she is failing and needs to get a failing grade. I respect you all and yes she is a good kid with a great heart but she does not deserve pity points. She needs to fail if that is her actual grade.”

OMG soo freaking angry and discouraged. She could do this she is choosing not to. OK OK  breathe just breathe. I take her to counseling and of course since her teachers talked to her about the lies she has been telling me she is pissy. I don’t bring up the thefts because I want her to talk I bite my tongue and leave the room. When it is my turn it all spills outs. The therapist just shakes her head and says she is not sure how to support us right now. Well that is all right I am not sure what the heck we will need anyway.

We go home and I confront her. She of course plays stupid but I tell her no denying it and point to the exact locations of all stolen goods. She glares at me and mutters something which I am sure is an obscenity. Whateves cupcake you are busted you stole from a 3 year old, not much I am going to say past “What excuse are you giving as to why you did it?” She avoids eye contact, of course you are embarrassed you stole from a toddler and got caught. All I could think was “how in the hell do you sleep at night?” but no that phrase never comes out of my mouth it is far too cruel.

Egad I am so frustrated but I am also in pain so I have to be careful as pain makes me irritable and I don’t want to over react. So I sit here coughing my brains out and alternately wincing in pain, wonderful of course I have a cold on top of it all. So I watch National Geographic and marvel at the beauty below the ocean. WOW so amazing and I am learning something…..shhhh don’t tell the kids they already think I am a nerd.

FORGIVENESS

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