On the same page

Well thanks go the fact we have a caseworker now we get in home visits once a month to work on keeping M1 on the right track. Now to her credit M1 is not enthralled with S the case worker but she tolerates her as long as I run interference when S clearly goes past a boundary for M1. So this week we had to do an exercise where we had to list off what we thought M1 would be in 10 years. We had to list 10 things and then compare our lists.

It sort of came as a shock to the caseworker that out of 8 M1 and I matched on 5 of them. She was floored and said “See what your Mom wants for you is what you want for you” I had to stop her and said “No you said where did you see M1 in 10 years you did not say what did I want for her in 10 years. They are two very different things.” That launched a conversation about how what I wanted for M1 vs what I actually saw happening. Now I thought the case worker was out of line when she said “So why don’t you push her to do more what you would like her to do?”

Now the one thing that has forever irked me is that my parents had a vision of what I would be and have held it against me for years. Mind you I could be what they wanted but at no point did I want that for myself. When raising M1 I was careful to listen to what she said she wants to be and do because when all is said and done it will be her life. With that in mind I looked at the caseworker and said “Look I feel very strongly that M1 needs to find her own path. Her goals should never be to live out my dreams for her. I would share them if she asked but at no point will she ever be ‘required’ to fulfill my vision of where she could go.” The caseworker stammered for a minute and said “Well no I am not saying you should mandate how her life goals but you should give her something to strive for.”

M1 looked right at S and said “Look my grandparents think Mom should be a writer and married that’s not her. She doesn’t force me  to be want I don’t want to be even if I was good at it because she hates that her parents did that too her.” I had to smile to myself, thank goodness we are on the is same sheet. A wave of gratuity rushed over me because I wanted to be sure she is living her life. Now mind you that does not mean I don’t reality test her i.e. you are currently failing 3 courses, that won’t work for your going to college they look at grades.

The case worker said nothing more. I guess she is not use to parents and children actually being on the same sheet but yeah at least for this one we are.

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4 thoughts on “On the same page

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  1. How wonderful that you and your daughter are on the same page. For the record, you ARE a great writer. With your support, I believe M1 will find her way. Keep hanging in there. You are one tough cookie! S had no idea what she was up against!! I really feel like S should be there to be supportive of the family. Am I wrong? Is she with a private agency? Is she a therapist? I’m confused about her role.

    1. S is from the agency where M1 is going to therapy. Traditionally she would coordinate services but I am not eligible for any that I do not already have. She comes to our house once a month to help M1 and I “work on our relationship” I think the surprise for her is that I am in tune with my child but that her constant lying and stealing are what changes our dynamics and not me not relating to her or trying to make her be something she is not.

      1. I’m baffled. A “Family Systems” approach is not typically very effective for kids with RAD. I mean, has S had any experience with this? The fact that you are letting her choose her path and have choices? That’s perfect connected parenting! You are handling M1 like a BOSS and I wish that some of these “professionals” would respect you for it. Sorry. I’m not usually so negative! Your situation has me all mad and protective! We need more moms like you in the trenches!!

  2. I agree I have spent time educating them but trying not to be adversarial because I walk a fine line being forced to engage without being viewed as uncooperative. Ah well with some grace I shall maneuver it.

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