Breaking from the pain

Well I have to pick up the pieces. No I have not been cleared yet. I was told “my goal is to submit next week (this week)” It’s ok it is my life on hold no rush you are only on week 6 of 8 before you MUST make a determination. I am angry good and angry now and part of that is good it spurs me to action. Why on earth does it take so long you have talked to everyone already you told me that. What is the hang up?

I know breathe, you can’t fix a broken system just because you are its most current victim. My coworker offered some hope and said “look if there was really a big concern would they have dragged it out this long?” I have no idea I want to say no but that could be wishful thinking. I just want this to be over. I want the motions I am going through now to be the actual working toward a goal. I want N to be back with us and to have the ability to take the Littles for a weekend. No not worldly goals just simple things that make me so incredibly happy.

I finally, with the encouragement of my counselor, reached out to my Rector. I did not want to talk to the church because, well my daughter is a predator and there is no way that goes over well. Yes I am embarrassed and ashamed and no I am not proud of that but those are my feelings, but as my counselor said to me “Just tell them she is acting out sexually. Everyone understands that, they know she is adopted so no one is blaming you” I knew she was right and that hurt too. Yes I get a pass but not good that I need that pass.

The Rector was so kind and gentle that I was floored and grateful. He asked if he could tell other people and I immediately recoiled, I am new to the church people don’t support adoption, people don’t support single parents, people want to know what I did to contribute to this situation. He was very reassuring and clarified that he meant talk to his wife. OK well she is a sweetheart and was the first person to welcome me to the church, so yes that was fine.  He understood my frustration and feelings of being overwhelmed by the journey I have to take and offered support throughout. Later his wife would call and offer the same. I cried again after this but this time it was because I felt like I didn’t have to hide what was happening. It was the first time I was not ashamed about all of this.

The next day N’s worker called me and asked me why I was not able to come out see her this weekend. I explained I had two races that I was doing and I was not going to forfeit my paid spots. She asked if I had planned for N to do them with me and I said yes but that I understood that would not happen now. She laughed and said “Well we can’t do both but we can do the one on Saturday, we will bring her to you right before the start all right?” You know the tears started again but this was pure happiness. Yes we want her to come to the race, yes we want her to be with us all day. Yes I will bring her home by 8pm.

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N did AWESOME on her first 5K, first mud run, first obstacle course all rolled into one. The mud was deep and COLD!!!! We ran between stations to warm up and tried hard not to lose sneakers in the deepest parts. She laughed so hard I thought she would never stop and of course we did too because we love mud runs. Yep in that moment I totally forgot this is temporary and I have to give her back for now. I totally and completely forgot about that and lived in the moment. Thank you holy high roller for that one, it helps me not give up hope.

We came home, showered and hit the road again. Yes it is a 4 hour drive to and a 4 hour drive back. Dropped her off at 8:14 so whoops our bad. We got home at 1am and thank goodness M1 and M2 can sleep in the car or it would have been murderous for them both.

Next day was a color run called Color Me RAD and we had more fun on tap.

Can you see my kids? They are in there I assure you.
Can you see my kids? They are in there I assure you.

So we took a break from the sadness and anger and just lived in the moment. Yep it was hard to come back to the reality but for a bit this weekend it was all right. Well I hope it will be all right soon.

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