Life in Hades

My life is in shambles at the moment and so I decided to write it all out so I can attempt to make sense of the madness that has become reality.

Three weeks ago M1 and I went to a local agency which specializes in treating teenage girls with a history of sexual abuse who are prone to sexually acting out. I need to be clear, I reached out to them as part of the PINS petition to HELP my child work through her issues. The intake was 90 minutes most of which was spent talking to M1. When they were done they told me M1 had been very honest and open about the sexting, inappropriate contact with other children and her sexual urges. I thanked her in front of the therapist, it took a hell of a lot for her to do this and I was greatly relieved she did. I expected someone to talk to me, follow up with what happened resultant to the contacts, check in with me how things were handled. We were shown the door. It was as if I did not exist as if I had no purpose except to transport her from my house here. I let feeling totally marginalized and like I did not matter to this team.

Six days later CPS appears at my house. The charge against me was inadequate supervision of a known perpetrator. I am stunned silent, what the hell is going on.  I will not lie, I burst into tears on the spot. I reached out to get help for my child and now I was facing child abuse and neglect charges for an incident which occurred when the sitter was here. Yes it happened when I WAS NOT home. I, through the tears, explained what safety steps happened when the incident occurred, after the incident occurred and which were currently in place. The worker appeared indifferent as she interviewed all the children and advised me that I must appear the next day at the center for children who have been sexually abused. I explained the children HAD NOT been sexually abused she looked and told me to come “without the perpetrator” to the center.

The next morning I sat with M2, Little Man and Little Bit for three hours while they were interviewed. The state police were there and they advised me that when it was discovered I may also face criminal charges. I am stunned and the tears start flowing again, I wasn’t home. I was not home. The receptionist handed me paperwork and tried to get me to sign it. It was to get my kids into counseling so they could process the abuse. I look at her blankly and say “Look you are operating under the premise I am guilty. Nothing happened in the house with these kids. NOTHING” She gave me a look that screamed ‘you poor stupid fool’ and said my denial was typical of parents who don’t want to face reality of what was happening in their house. I refuse to sign and she makes a large note “Parent is uncooperative”  What the hell, I brought my kids as directed, I talked to everyone as directed what do you mean I am not cooperative????

The worker came down and said that they found no evidence that the children had been sexually abused. The state trooper said no criminal charges would be filed. I am stupefied was this not exactly what I said..nothing happened….. I can’t stop the tears, I go to work and cannot even talk. This has to be a nightmare. The trooper advises me that M1 can no longer be in camp she is a threat to others either I can tell them myself or he will call them. There is two weeks till school starts and you just cancelled my child care plan what the heck am I going to do?

I cry for five days straight no lie. I have to call a counselor as I spiral into such a horrendous depression I was not sure I would make it out. I talk to my doctor I was not sleeping and can barely function, she suggests anti-depressants. I am numb this is crazy I was not home, I dealt with it appropriately when I found out. How on earth can this be my reality?

Yesterday the phone rings is it social services they are calling N’s worker because I am under investigation. The plan with her comes to a screeching halt. We cannot go forward and we cannot have her overnights anymore. We have to have a safety plan. I have to put alarms on M1’s door for everyone’s safety. Did I mention the thing we are discussing happened 3 years ago and she is in counseling to address it? The tears start all over again I am not sure what to do anymore. I hear the Supervisor say “If you are indicted you can appeal” Are you freaking kidding me I can still be indicted even though last week they said there are no concerns?

Today I talk to N’s workers, they are sympathetic but no she cannot come over anymore until I am cleared IF I am cleared. I can come see her if I want, we can do day things but no overnights until the issue is resolved. Yep you guessed it the tears started all over again. I hear them say that they still think I am a good person, a good match for N but if I lose my foster care license we cannot go forward. One encourages me to appeal though because if I was not home and the one who was home is there I stand an excellent chance of overturning the conviction. I don’t even try to not cry now there is no point.

Oh did I mention the Littles go home for good tomorrow? Yep Mom has made no real progress but no one cares. Mom has no real care plan but no one is looking into it. Mom is already a nervous wreck after three days with her kids. No one including social service thinks this is going to work but yet we are sending them home.

The good news is that the medication should work by next week so the crying will finally stop. The bad news is that it does not work right now and I can’t stop crying when the kids go to bed. Yes I am in counseling I am not sure I would make it through this without it.

So that is life and I am ready to tap out. My counselor reminded me gently God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I am a bada**

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5 thoughts on “Life in Hades

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  1. Oy vey! Oh Friend, I wish I could give you a big hug. I know what it’s like to get to that space where you can’t stop crying–I experienced it this spring and it is so very hard. I know it feels like you’rie alone, but you’re not. I wish I could say it’s going to be alright in the way you hope it will, but I can say it will be alright in the way the Holy Homeboy intends. AS for giving us what we can handle, that’s a fallacy. I remember one of my former pastors telling me at an altar call last year that he gives us more than we can handle, so much more, just so that we will turn to him. It’s too much on our own; we have to turn it over to him to work it out.

    And yeah, you are totally a badaxx. And that’s a good thing, a very good thing. Hit me up on email or google chat if you want to talk or cry or just sit in silence. I’ll be sure to listen. xoxox

    1. Thank you so much for your offer. My friends remind me too I am not alone it just feels that way. I am glad you clarified it is a fallacy because I am sooo NOT handling this but yes you are right turn it over. Thank you again.

  2. I’m so sorry this has happened. I’ve enjoyed reading about your amazing family over the past few weeks. I hope all of the workers involved can take a few deep breaths and recognize how damaging their reactivity has been. All my best wishes.

    1. The agency called and clarified that they did not hotline me it must have been the “third party” she was talking to. No it does not really help because it is still a confidentiality issue but at least it is only the third party gunning for me, and she has been since day one so I am not surprised just super hurt.

  3. For what it’s worth, I think you are bad a**! Hugs to you and your family. The Department should appreciate the fact that you are trying to work through this with the child! Oh my goodness. I am so so so sorry.

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