Waiting and hoping part 2

“Did you know I have a copy of your home study? I have to be honest when we looked at your home study we both thought-oh my God this is the perfect family for N.”

Yes that is exactly how the conversation with the therapist ended, word for word. I was stunned silent I have never been perfect for anyone before. They immediately want to move ahead but I cautioned them, my agency is hit or miss we need to have the home finder on board. We need to get her to say yes first before anything happens, before N finds out I exist, before we plan the first visit and what to say. Did they want to call her, would she call them no one seemed to know what to do first.

Well I am a take charge person, I blame my Mom for that, so I contacted my worker said “Here is N’s therapist she may be able to give you what you need.” I sent another email to both workers asking questions I had and information which was lacking. I told them both to feel free to call my home finder and provided her contact information. They answered my questions I forwarded the information to my home finder and told her she could contact them as well. I waited all day nothing. Nothing at all from the home finder. I know she is not great on email, I suck at waiting this is not a good combination.

I voiced I was scared to the workers and they were super supportive. They assured me it would not go fast and that how I wanted to proceed would be given consideration. They asked if I thought about what I might want to tell N in the way of an introduction. I was stymied, I never thought about that, what would I want a teen to know about my family. I started a crude welcome book and wondered will it happen this time for real? It has been two years I am fast losing hope that I will ever have a kid successfully placed with me.

Part of me wants to call, most of me hates to be a pest. I know the home finder is busy and this is not her focus. I want to know what if anything she did on my case and yet I fear the answer will be nothing. I sent emails I am not sure she read, if I call will it be overkill? It is a holiday weekend chances are good all the players are not in tomorrow, chances are good nothing will happen until next week. Oh wait next week N’s therapist goes on vacation for three weeks, it might not move even if I got approval.

Dear Lord give me patience right now, is all that goes through my head. I want to have faith in my agency but the burnings have left me scarred and bruised so I just can’t. I know the new home finder is a nice person she has proven that but last time it took three weeks to answer a question and then it was too late. I need patience but I need it now so that is just not going to work.

I know I know “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change….”I have to trust in his plan and I stink big time at trusting. I strive to be in control and I know I am not here and it stinks. The outcome could be great or awful but for right now I sit and obsess. I know it doesn’t help but I really want it to. Can’t I will answers to happen quickly? No of course I can’t but I wish I could.

So please give me patience, serenity and wisdom. Please give me a big enough heart to forgive if it does not go my way and help me not to be angry. Please bring a family soon to N even if it is not mine.

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