For some odd reason it hit me hard and I am overwhelmed. Yesterday was long and hard and when I came home no one cared. The kids were sleeping, the babysitter had been paid and left. I was alone and it suddenly hit me. All of this I had to do on my own.
I started out in the morning with paperwork for M2 to establish her as a person with multiple disabilities. Now this was not a shock I know this but as they interviewed me to determine if my daughter was impaired enough to require life long support I could scarcely contain my own feelings of failure surrounding what she cannot do. Intellectually I was there, I know there are limitations I know she needs supports emotionally I was tantrumming in my head screaming “Its not fair!!” I hated myself for my inadequacies, my shortcomings and my own inability to make it better. I left hating myself and feeling it was all my fault.
I go to the next meeting with Little Man and Little Bit’s Mom and hear things that scare me. I don’t know a lot about addiction so some of the things make no sense to me. I hear denial, anger and resentment from Mom and know there is nothing I can do but watch the train wreck itself. I sit silently as treatment providers tell her she is done and that there are no more chances and I fear for her safety, her sobriety and her children. What can I do to be a resource, is there a way I can help? Does she trust me at all or does she see me as one of them? She hugs me as she goes to leave and thanks me for my support and I panic because in my heart I do not believe it will be enough. I can’t want it enough for her and I feel so inadequate.
I go to work and I realize as I retrieve all my messages that I am alone here too. I am the only counselor right now as the other is on a leave of absence and no one helps me with my work load. No one steps up and helps because in the record keeping system they aren’t authorized to provide the services. If I don’t do it, it does not get done. It waits. I missed a day of work two weeks ago and still I am not caught up. My calendar is booked solid through the second week in June and the program rules for the program no one but me has working knowledge of came through and with it additional work. They want me to train another person but there is no time on my schedule permitted for that, when I mention it to my Supervisor he says figure it out.
It is MAPP training time so I go off to train more perspective foster parents and they question me on so many things. My co facilitator makes jokes about some of my screw ups and while they are minor I am embarrassed. The perspective parents look to me for honesty and reality and while I am happy most nights to provide it I can’t seem to get out of my own way. Can they see what an emotional wreck I am right now or is that safely hidden.
I come home and M2 has been having behaviors, Little Man is running crazy and M1 had violated a safety rule and a house rule. I push them all into bed and collapse on the couch. The nightmare doesn’t end there is no one here but me tonight. I am angry. I am tired. I am an emotional train wreck. I spend the whole night up because my feelings about all that happened won’t let me sleep. It feels like it will spiral forever though part of me knows it won’t. I stare at the ceiling resigned to the fact I won’t sleep tonight and as the sun rises up over the mountain outside my window it hits me.
I am overwhelmed completely.