On Being Jealous

I sat at home last night watching mindless TV. I flipped to The Little Couple and I had not really seen it before so I thought, OK let me watch. I knew the basic story line so it was not hard to follow and heck their little boy is a doll.

They are adopting their second child this one from India and I found myself getting angry. Last year it was China this year it was India. In two short years they have two beautiful children. I was angry and jealous here I was a year into the adoption process and I have no additional kids. It did not seem fair at all. Now of course there are several non comparisons, they are younger then me, they are a couple and they have more money then me. But still as I watched the screen I was sad, really sad that they had what I wanted so badly and I sit watching them have it all. No I am not proud of myself for feeling this way but indeed I did feel this way.

I know the process takes time and of course I am foster to adopt so these things take even longer and yet none of that matters when I am feeling sorry for myself. I know everyone has their struggles and they have other issues that I don’t have but still they have expanded their family and I have not. Geez, even as I type this out I realize how small and petty I am being about this whole thing please don’t get me wrong I am not mad the kids are adopted and the couple seems wonderful it’s just that well I am jealous is all.

I know eventually it will happen for me but even when it does it will not be the TV version. I am adopting an older child, she will have issues and problems which will not be covered on TV. We will struggle in ways that even my friends cannot  understand. It will be so different then the story in front of me that I smile….sure this is reality TV….it’s just not MY reality.

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2 thoughts on “On Being Jealous

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  1. Step away from reality tv unless you’re going to go dive into the really silly stuff!! Those stories (emphasis on *stories*) are so carefully crafted and edited that you just can’t know what’s real and it’s so easy to get sucked into the fake reality.

    Honor your feelings; you’re allowed to feel however you feel even if it’s complicated. I’m learning that this adoption thing is so emotionally messy, You can feel sad, then feel guilty about feeling sad, then feel guilty about feeling guilty AND sad. Don’t be so hard on yourself (as you usually say to me). Keep your head up and change the channel. 🙂

  2. I love this post. Not because you are jealous but because you put into words how I often feel. I am just starting out in the foster world and hope to someday adopt. My whole life I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. It didn’t happen naturally so I have to find my own family. While most of the time I feel okay about doing it this way, I still find myself jealous when I find out someone is pregnant or I watch a show that has someone with a baby. We are allowed to have our feelings. We can’t help how we feel. The only thing we can do is acknowledge them and continue on.

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