I was in the nursery today during church service when the Rector’s wife caught up with me.
“So how is the adoption going? Any updates?”
A simple question I know in my heart she meant no harm but part of me almost dissolved into tears. I know it isn’t personal and I know it is about the needs of the kids and my strengths but in that moment surrounded by others in my church who have given birth to their own children I am over come with failure. Logically I know I am not a failure, genetically challenged yes and no no one in the church ever judges me for this decision but still in that moment I can’t help but feel totally inadequate.
I shook my head no, nothing new had happened but that we were still looking and I would keep them posted if something developed. She smiled and said “Well I can’t imagine it, how do you deal with the rejection?” Again I know she meant no harm but come on it is Christmas eve and you know what some days are better then others when it comes to accepting rejection. But no I don’t say that it would come out all awkward and emotional, instead I say “I just keep praying”. I am relieved when she changes the topic, no the feelings don’t actually leave but at least I can stop being so defensive.
I look at the kids to distract myself. I know some day it might happen that I get the call, but for the next few days probably not with the holiday and all. I look at my own two kids who are also helping in the nursery and remember what my blessings really are and decide not to focus on the feeling of failure. My youngest comes up and says “I love you Mum Mum” and gives me a hug.
Yes I think I will focus on that instead!!